Softening

Motherhood is a catalyst in so many ways.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight. I told her how I've been feeling more accepting of certain things, of how people show up, who they are, and what they're capable of giving.

In general, I am choosing to focus on the ways that people are showing up for me instead of the ways that they may not be.

She reacted audibly. I felt it before she said it.

"To hear you talk this way is amazing. You are softening."

It's palpable. I notice it in me too, the ways that my corners are rounding, edges are softening, and chest continues to shift and expand.

In this season, I'm extending grace.

I've often been hard on myself, and by extension, others. I've taken things so seriously, and held myself to the highest possible standard.

While this can be beneficial in ways, it can also be suffocating. For me and whoever these standards may extend to.

The interesting thing is, I haven't actually changed my standards. They remain high, but reachable. They are firm, but flexible. I take them seriously, but I am able to adjust, fall, pivot, and laugh along the way.

Not everything needs to be so rigid.

I haven't changed my standards, I've shifted my perspective.

I am allowing for the nuance. Offering breathing room. Taking a full, deep exhale instead of the short, quick breaths I used to mistake for adequate air.

My chest is opening.

This had the potential to go another way. I've felt the pull from the other side as well, and had moments of diving into it.

Fear. Suspicion. Paranoia. Distance. Walls up. Doors shut.

Protective Mama Bear energy gone all the way wrong.

While that protective Mother instinct still burns strong, I'm not allowing it to close me up.

Instead, I've been leaning into it. The discomfort, the joy, the grief, the beauty. The swirl of interwoven emotions that comes from moments such as these.

Pain. Clarity. Love. Anxiety. Ecstasy.

I am more fierce and direct than I have ever been.

I am also more pillowy soft, tongue dripping with honey.

Yes, these can coexist. And they coexist beautifully.

I was always such an all-or-nothing person. Yet here I am, swimming in the grey.

It's gorgeous to experience.

Changed.

Hands and heart open. Nothing to prove, everything to gain.